By Charles Barnard
As I mentioned in my previous article, when we have been wronged we want justice, which leads to the question what exactly is justice. There have been lots of movies and stories about vigilante justice and that idea inevitably is about bringing some type of pain, even death, to the person who wronged us. The classic book The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas is all about vengeance. The problem is vengeance doesn’t help; in fact, it may even make matters worse.
In an article published by the American Psychological Association in June of 2009 entitled “Revenge and the people who seek it, New research offers insight into the dish best served cold” by Michael Price, he says social psychologist Kevin Carlsmith, from Colgate University in Hamilton, N.Y found that while people who seek revenge are telling you they are seeking the release, and relief from, strong or repressed emotions, in actuality “exactly the opposite happens,” according to a study Carlsmith published in the May 2008 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 95, No. 6). If acting out on vengeful thoughts actually makes things worse, and holding onto the anger, hurt, and hatred is unhealthy what is the recourse? Does justice help us release and get relief from these negative emotions? Back to my original question, what exactly do we mean by justice?
The general idea of justice is both the idea of making things right and meting out punishment in relationship to the crime (eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth). In Christianity and Western tradition, justice is ultimately given by God, but human governments are given authority to establish systems of justice. The established systems of justice are supposed to follow the principles and laws established by God. If justice is done well, there are the two outcomes mentioned above – making things right and having the punishment fit the crime – that should be at least two of our objectives.
Another famous book, Les Misérables by Victor Hugo, deals with punishment that does not fit the crime, which sadly has probably been the norm throughout history. That debate rages today within ideas for criminal justice reform. There are two other key ideas within the idea of punishment. The first is to make the punishment a deterrent to the act being committed. The second is the need or desire to protect society at large from criminal and or immoral behavior. One of the arguments used for the death penalty is in the case of purely evil people who have committed evil offenses and to protect society from their evil they should be executed. Locking violent criminals in prison is not necessarily about deterrence but could be about public safety. Forgiving a perpetrator does not mean you have to forgive the crime. Weighing the danger to society should be a significant, if not the, deciding factor in whether we forgive the crime.
The idea of making this right was twofold. First, it was about restoring when possible what was taken and when not possible to have the perpetrator experience the same loss as the victim. The second part of making things right is and has been too often over-looked and that is the restoration of relationships. As mentioned before, that is at the heart of restorative practices or restorative justice. At the heart of that is a mindset of love and the idea of not keeping a record of wrongs or having a heart for forgiveness.
Most of what I have been writing about has involved forgiving others for wrongs committed against you. What about forgiving yourself for wrongs you have committed or for the idea that you have committed sins or wrongs and are unworthy of forgiveness? There are many people who fall into this latter category and it is a sad condition of many who grew up strict Christian homes. Guilt can be problematic. Like all negative emotions guilt has a purpose and we need to recognize it, repent, and let go. Many find that incredibly challenging, in part because they don’t know how.
Forgiving is a multifaceted act. It is intellectual or psychological, physiological, and spiritual. It is a process that can be learned and someone can be guided through. There are spiritual practices that have been involved in forgiving such as cutting aka chords, meditation, and prayer. There are psychological practices such as time line therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy that help people forgive. There are also physiological techniques that can help such as breathing patterns and yoga, acupuncture, and something known as access bars. The latter two do not necessarily make claims about forgiving, but they are techniques designed to release negativity stored in the body and holding onto wrongs – your own or someone else’s – stores negative emotions in the body. Some if not all of these work on all three levels at the same time which is why they can be so profoundly powerful.
The mind can be a very powerful force and there are cases where for whatever deeply held reason people simply refuse to let go. With a skilled therapist or coach and the right tools most people who “can’t” forgive learn to do just that. Having talked with therapists though there are some people who will not go down that road and choose to hold onto all that anger, hurt, hatred, and it generally does not end well for them. For many, many people, simply developing habits of breathing, meditation and prayer, self-reflection, and learning how to cut aka chords, do time-line therapy techniques, the enlightenment process, CBT self-reflection, or even letting go ceremonies will be all they need to learn to not only not keep a record of wrongs but to manage all the emotions we humans deal with on a daily basis. Our emotions are both the curse and delight of being human.
One of the reasons we market our 70 day breakthrough training as the initial training in our complete growth mindset training curriculum is it covers all the above. The great challenge for people is loving themselves enough to commit 70 days to becoming the best person they can be. People always have 1001 reasons not to do it just as they have 1001 reasons not to follow through with their New Year’s resolutions, but in reality all they need is 1 very good reason to do it. What is your very good reason?