by Charles Barnard
Jesus wept. That is the shortest line in the bible and perhaps the most profound as it shows Jesus’s humanity as he experiences grief. The context was Jesus arrived at Lazarus’s home after Lazarus had died. Jesus loved Lazarus. Here is the pertinent scripture:
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
Weeping is undoubtedly part of the grieving process. It is natural. Loved ones die; you weep. Not as typical as weeping, dreaming is also often part of the grieving process.
She was 27 again and in her wedding dress in a classroom in the school I teach in, although the classroom was not like any in the actual building. It was a going away party and everyone knew she would soon be dying. The party was during the school day, yet staff were all gathered in the room to say good bye. As I was walking down the hall to the room, I could see her in the room before I even got there. My daughter was there as a young girl and was being embraced by my wife. The image was very much like a combination of two different pictures we have of my wife. As I entered the room, Donna came over to me with the biggest smile and gave me a hug and we just held each other and kissed each other. We then began socializing at the party when suddenly someone said, “your lips bleeding.”
The next thing I know I can feel myself being ushered out of the room and pushed down the hallway. I end up in a special education room that again is not like any room in the school, but it is definitely the school I teach at, not my wife’s school. I am guided to sit on a “couch” that is more like mattress with cushions on it. This room is clearly for students with the greatest needs. Very soon after sitting on the “couch” and taking in the room a staff member, who I do not know at all and a student, enter the room. I get up and say I am going to head back now but the staff member is telling me I can’t. I say yes my lip isn’t bleeding and I can head back. She insists that I can’t go back and I firmly reply, yes, I am going to see my wife, my lip has stopped bleeding. I leave the room, see my wife in the hallway smiling and socializing and as I walk toward her I… wake up.
This was my grief dream and it was the most realistic dream I have ever experienced. I can’t not tear up every time I think about that hug. It was real. She was hugging me and I was telling her how much I was going to miss her. I am crying now, again, just thinking about it.
Grief dreams are quite common. While there has not been a great deal of research into them there are some studies that have been done on the phenomenon. While the entire dream of mine seemed more real than any I have experienced, the hug… that was real. I have no other words that can describe it except it was real. While I know I was not physically hugging my wife in that moment, I still know the hug, everything that is communicated with a hug, and the words I said to her were real, but I am also positive I was not talking in my sleep. It was completely a spiritual moment with direct communication between my wife and I on a spiritual level. She didn’t say anything to me the entire time. I spoke to her and she hugged me and kissed me and I experienced that on a physical level even though I know in materialistic terms she was not there.
After waking, the tears were streaming down my face. It was 6:37 am. I laid in bed for another 23 minutes. After getting up and getting changed to walk the dog and go for my run, I sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed. I have wept numerous times over the past three months, but this was the first time I sobbed. It lasted maybe twenty to thirty seconds, but I sobbed. I know this is all part of the grieving process and everyone experiences things a bit different, and in part how you grieve will be based on the mindset you have toward living and dying. It is that part of the grief dreams that research is really lacking. Grieving though is a vital part of healing so understanding it is important.
For those who understand the spiritual nature of humanity, dreams and interpreting them can be interesting. For those who come to that with a Christian or Jewish cultural background may understand that interpreting dreams is a gift not given to everyone. Still, there are some interesting components to this dream and how they connect to the memories, beliefs, and values we shared.
One symbol is the bleeding lip. One of our favorite family movies was It’s a Wonderful Life. Of course, all who know that movie know that when George Bailey is brought back from his “dream”, his lip was bleeding again. In my dream, before I came back to my reality my lip had stopped bleeding.
My daughter Anneke was in the dream but I never saw my sons. I have made it known that I have been worried about Anneke not having her mother there to help her and talk to. My lesson here is I was being told Anneke is in good hands. Anneke, by the way, had her own grieving dream just a few days ago where she too got a very real hug from Donna.
There could be lots of reasons why Donna was 27 again and in her wedding dress. The lesson I am taking though is related to scripture. Over the past two months, I have struggled with a bible verse. Matthew 22:30 says, “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” Well, I want to be married to Donna when I too pass on to the other side. I loved being married to her. I think the symbolism of Donna being in her wedding dress confirmed that I will be and as there often is with bible verses there is much more to understanding it than simply taking it at face value without looking at the context and the bible as a whole. For me, I needed that message.
Why did this take place at my school versus Donna’s? Why was Donna socializing with my staff instead of hers, a staff she loved? Those are questions I am not particularly concerned with answering. I think it may lie in the fact that I have had several staff members tell me they wish they had known her because from reading the article about her she sounded like a wonderful person and teacher. I am not sure the significance of having that in a dream however.
Grieving after the loss of a loved one is a process. We all need to go through it. There is no formula for grieving, but there are commonalities such as weeping and dreaming. Grieving is healing. Your mindset, which is influenced by your worldview, will shape how you grieve. You do need to let yourself grieve.
