by Charles Barnard
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven,” is the oft quoted line from Paradise Lost by John Milton. Why is this so often quoted? Its relevance to our lives, the evidence from experience, and the logical consistency of it speaks to its truth. Its truth is why we need to hold onto it. It speaks to the power of the human mind. It explains the resilience of children and adults thrust into incomprehensible hells and survive and with the right mindset even make a heaven of their hell.
Stories like the one that follows speak to human resilience. I have worked with people personally who have come from similar hells. Some survive, a few learn to thrive. A rare few create their own heaven; they don’t just leave their hell behind.
“I was repeatedly raped by a neighbor when I was 7 years old. I didn’t want my mother to find out, because she was a single mother working 3 jobs to support me and my brother and she cried enough as it was. We lived in a trailer that had holes in the floor so that sometimes raccoons and opossums would climb through. I was scared of them. The carpet was infested with fleas. I usually had flea bites all over my body. I never felt clean. We got clothes from Goodwill but they were usually old, faded, and stained. My mother did the best she could but we were all alone in the world. We lived in a rural area that was unforgiving of those who deviated from “the norm.” My mother tried to baptize me when I was a baby, only to be turned away by the local preacher because I was “a bastard.” We were not welcome in their churches, which were an important part of rural life there. I didn’t have friends at school. I was “weird” “dirty” “ugly” “too quiet” etc. Even most of the teachers looked at me and my brother in disgust. We were “the XXX family.”
I grew up with the understanding that I was worthless. That I should be ashamed of who I am. I barely said a word through most of my childhood. I didn’t say a word to anyone when they pushed me around, taunted me endlessly, beat up my brother and I. I never said a word when my neighbor (who, interestingly, was widely regarded as an outstanding member of society) raped me.
I led a very solitary life. My mother was usually gone at work, my brother would devote himself to his own activities, and there I was. I remember I would sit outside of my home and pretend to be a rock, because rocks didn’t feel anything and they certainly didn’t cry. They were indestructible, I thought.
I overheard one of the other little girls discussing the prayer they said before bedtime and I resolved to remember it. It went like this – As I lay down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I thought about this prayer for the rest of the day, until I went home and decided on my own version: Dear God, I don’t want to live anymore. There are other people begging you to keep them alive. Let me take their place. I’ll die. I was about 8 years old.
But I didn’t die, much to my dismay. I woke up the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. The days went by. My situation didn’t greatly improve, people weren’t much nicer to me, and my life didn’t get easier. But I got stronger. I discovered books as a way to escape from my tedious existence and by the time I was in 5th grade, I was reading at a college level.
I grew up and gained control over my life. I was no longer the defenseless, powerless victim I had been as a child. I had power. I could do whatever I wanted. I got a job. I studied hard so I could go to a good college. I escaped from my small, unforgiving town.
I have a good job now and good relationships. People who know me now would never guess I was once that hungry, miserable, terrified, beaten down little girl I had been back then.
As for my family, my mother still lives in that trailer. My neighbor is long dead. My older brother still lives with my mother. He has never gotten a driver’s license or a job. He doesn’t leave the house very often. A part of me understands his reluctance – why let the world do you more harm when it has already done so much? But I wish he would take the chance. I feel sad that our childhood all but destroyed him.
If you want to know how to get through hard things, my answer is probably inadequate, but it is the best I have to offer. My answer is: keep going.[1]”
The easy answer to the question how do you transform your life can be short, but it isn’t necessarily easy. It does entail more than just getting advice, which you can find in abundance. Transformation truly happens when you have internalized your why, removed the obstacles to that transformation, and created the habits to manage your emotions and attitudes moving forward. While it is true that transformation can only happen when you do what is necessary or acton the advice or strategies given to you, most people don’t know how to remove the obstacles or even identify all the obstacles preventing transformation, have the pieces in place – including their why – to create new habits in their lives. Life Coaching that is worth its salt may seem expensive, but the program would address all three of those components – helping identify and magnify your why, identify and removing the obstacles to transformation, and installing a system to create habits which will allow you to train your emotions and attitudes going forward.
You do not need to have experienced the hell of the woman’s story recorded above to desire a transformation. Millions of people experience any one of these five major life events every year which can turn your life into a living hell. The events are the death of a loved one, divorce, moving, major illness or injury, or job loss. Some may experience more than one of these in a year. Some people create their own hell from irrational fear that dominates their life. Some do it from letting anger and bitterness rule your life – whether it is justified anger and bitterness or unjustified. Regardless, transforming your life and creating your own heaven here on earth begins by training your mindset.
Learn more at https://www.growthmimindsettrainingacademy.com/building-resilience.html.
[1] Copied from an Anonymous post in Quora [https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-greatest-challenges-people-face-in-their-lives]
