It was the evening of July 21, 2023. I can’t tell you the exact time, but my wife looked at me through her cloudy eyes and mouthed, “I love you.” Just a few hours later at just after 2:00 am July 22, 2022, she passed away. It had all happened much too fast and just recalling it causes my eyes to overflow with tears, but that too is part of the grieving process.
The experts tell us we all will experience grief at some point in our life. We grieve at a loss. Of course, we most commonly think of grief in terms of loss associated with death, but we can experience grief at other losses. We can grieve after a marriage falls apart and ends. We can grieve after losing everything in a fire. We can grieve over the loss of a job. Regardless of why you are grieving, we are told there will be stages you go through in the process. Everyone is different and will experience grief uniquely but will generally speaking pass through stages in the process. The seven stages of grief are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Let me share with you my experience with the stages of grief and how I was able to honor the past and embrace the future.
Shock. On June 9, 2022, I wrote these words in an article posted on my website. “It’s cancer. Two words that convey so much emotion. Two words that will test one’s mindset. I have been writing about mastering your mindset for some time. One situation I haven’t extensively addressed yet is health and healing. When you hear those words, whether it is about you, your spouse, a child, or other loved one, your ability or skill at mastering your mindset is put to the test. I know. I heard those words yesterday.” It was a shock. I was convinced Donna would be able to beat this foe. Just over a month later she left this world behind. Shock is an adequate word to describe that stage. My premise is the more sudden and unexpected the greater the shock you will experience.
Denial. I don’t believe I experienced this stage. According to an article on the website A Very Well Mind, “the denial stage of grief is characterized by feeling numb or shocked, being confused and disoriented, shutting down and being unable to process emotions, forgetting about the loss, avoiding reminders of the loss, sleeping more than usual, and procrastinating dealing with the loss and its consequences.” The only part of that description that applies to my experience would be the feeling of being numb or shocked which I would categorize as being part of the first stage considering that stage is referred to as shock. Some may argue that my belief that she would beat this was a form of denial. Some may argue that my prayers for healing and for a miracle to be performed was in some way denial. I would disagree. I don’t think I ever denied the reality of the situation and the consequences of it. Again, everyone’s experience is different, and the suddenness of the loss could contribute to the extent of this stage.
Anger. Never experienced it. One of the greatest philosophical questions for Christians to come to terms with is the very idea of why a loving God would allow suffering and loss. Philosophers and theologians have tried to address that question for millennia. I have struggled with that myself. I know God performs miracles. There is ample evidence that miracles happen. The question becomes why God would perform a miracle in some circumstances and not others. I don’t have the answer to that question, but it doesn’t make me angry at God. Instead of anger, what I think I experienced was the emotion of regret. I regret that maybe I didn’t do enough, love her enough, to help her deal with the stress and hurt from things that happened and were happening to people and the school she loved dearly. I have no doubt about what triggered the cancer and then all the other things that piled on – Covid19, lockdowns, forced masking and the loss of control among other things. My regret is I didn’t see just how much it was impacting her and wasn’t more insistent about having her join me in some of the practices I was doing to deal with the stress of those times and secondly, having her get to see a doctor as her fatigue began to take hold in her life. Those symptoms begin a good year or more before her diagnosis. Maybe, just maybe we could have fought it. Regret. Not guilt. Not anger. Regret, that was probably a stage and emotion I struggled most to deal with.
Bargaining. I never bargained with God. I prayed. I prayed without ceasing. I hoped. I hoped for a miracle. I did not tell God if he only heals Donna then I will… My faith and understanding of God didn’t permit me to go through that stage.
Depression. Depression would be the wrong word to use from my experience. Sadness is much more appropriate. I experienced sadness often. I continue to experience sadness. Sadness is probably the overriding emotion I have felt over the past year. Sadness with maybe a touch of loneliness from time to time. According to Dr. Jonathan DePierro, these are some of the depressive thoughts and feelings you may experience while you’re grieving: feeling sad, empty, or numb, feeling overwhelmed by the requirements of daily life, experiencing despair and hopelessness, sleeping or staying in bed all day, crying often, experiencing a cascade of sadness with every reminder of the loss, thinking that others will not understand your loss, believing that your grief will overwhelm others, withdrawing from other people instead of letting them help you, feeling tired and low on energy. Of those the feeling of sadness and emptiness along with feeling tired and low on energy were common over the past year. And bouts of crying. The others did not apply to my situation.
Testing. The testing stage represents a phase where the person grieving explores new ways to cope with their loss and rebuild their lives after the profound impact of the loss. Throughout this phase, individuals experiment with various approaches to manage their grief, sometimes drifting in and out of other grieving stages during this period. I have and am going through this stage.
Acceptance. I have accepted the reality of the situation. Acceptance happened quickly for me but might be the longest lasting of the stages. By that I am referring to the decisions and changes you make as a result of accepting the reality of your new situation. Those continue to happen. My personal journey may not have taken me through these stages in the same way that others go through them. Let me share with you more of this personal journey, experiences, and what I know from my ongoing mindset coaching work. As I write this article, I am listening to music that Donna and I both liked. The Beatle’s Let It Be, Credence Clearwater, James Taylor, The Eagles Greatest Hits, Simon and Garfunkel are just some of the artists I am listening to. I have written and spoken often about the power of music to manage emotions. The songs are associated with many good memories and are much more than just the beat, rhythm, and lyrics though of course all three of those contribute mightily to the impact music has on the soul. It is, however, the attached memories that have the greatest effect. The use of music is a highly recommended, if not essential, component for emotional management and attitude management rituals. Growing up, I was not really into music meaning only that I didn’t memorize song lyrics, couldn’t tell you what those top selling songs were, but music was always present. My mom listening to her classical music and my dad listening to his beloved Jazz were constants in my home. As I entered middle school, high school, and then college there was always music playing whenever we were hanging out with friends. It was generally in the background for me, but there are still specific songs that are associated with specific memories. Donna loved music and my children share much of the same musical interests as we did. I can’t say it better than the Doobie Brothers did with their classic “Music is the Doctor.”
I’m a man who lives in the city
I’m a man who lives in the street
From F.L.A. to Frisco Bay
And everywhere in between Coast to coast there’s a question
Everybody’s always askin’ me
People want to know everywhere I go
What can the answer be Music is the doctor
Makes you feel like you want to
Listen to the doctor
Just like you ought to
Music is the doctor of my soul Well it seems that when I travel
And I’m out there on the road
The freedom I need is the freedom I leave
In my good time rock and roll There’s a healing in those guitars
And a spirit in the song
No matter what condition your rhythm is in
The message goes on and on Music is the doctor
Makes you feel like you want to
Listen to the doctor
Just like you ought to
Music is the doctor of my soul If you ever wonder
How to shake your blues
Just follow this prescription
And get the cure for what’s ailin’ you Music is the doctor
Makes you feel like you want to
Listen to the doctor
Just like you ought to
Music is the doctor of my soul.
While music has been a doctor for my grief, nothing has replaced love and faith. Relationships are paramount to our happiness. Rather than getting sucked into focusing on the hole that was left in my life, I chose to focus on, and be grateful for the numerous people who I am privileged to call friends, and of course my family. Since I started writing this article, I have received messages from friends and family remembering the day and recognizing the loss. That is the type of thing Donna did for others and something I want to be better at. It is important. Knowing that there are family and friends I can count on is beyond comforting.
There are stanzas from two of Donna and my favorite songs that say it well. First, a stanza from “That’s What Friends are For”
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That’s what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I’ll be on your side forever more
That’s what friends are for
Second, the first four stanzas from “You’ve Got a Friend”
When you’re down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come running
To see you again
Winter, spring, summer, or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there
You’ve got a friend.
Both those songs are songs with especially strong memories that make me feel good even as I think about Donna and the void she left in my life.
My faith has also been paramount in helping me grieve. While I still struggle at times with understanding God, I have never waivered in believing in God and his promises. My faith came more from an intellectual pursuit many years ago rather than an emotional response, but the two have been melded together. Donna shared that faith with me. It is a simple faith. God is. God loves us. God is sovereign. Jesus is who he claimed to be. I found those all to be true first from my intellect and then through emotional experiences. It is the knowing I will see her again that is both comforting, yet part of the on-going grief I think I will carry until I am called home.
My analogy is this. The longest I think Donna and I were apart from the time I first met her – even before we started dating – was I think about five days. We worked together and I saw and talked with her every day from the beginning of the school year of 1992 until she passed one year ago today. The five-day college visit road trip Charles, Anneke, and I took to Philadelphia and Pittsburgh I believe was the longest stretch I was apart from her. By the end of the trip, I was really missing her. I missed her more than after the first day of the trip. Well, it has been a year’s trip and this trip will be many years, but my faith says it is just that… a journey apart, but we will be together again. There is a poem a friend gave me along with as part of a little photo album that says it all.
She’s Only Gone Ahead
She’s only gone ahead of you
Not just left you behind
Although you can’t be with her right now
She lives in your heart and mind.
The day will come when you’ll meet again
On Heaven’s distant shore,
And the two of you will walk hand in hand
Together forever more.
The message of those words is something I hold on to. They are comforting.
Of course, there are numerous bible verses about grief and the comfort of God.
- Matthew 5:4 – Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
- Revelation 21:4 – He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
- Psalm 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
- John 11:35 – Jesus wept.
- Psalm 18:28 – You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
- 1 Peter 5:7 – Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
- Psalm 18:2 – The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
- Psalm 23:4 – Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
The apostle Paul in Philippians 4:8 writes these words, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things.” I work to follow that very sound advice.
It would be remiss for me not to mention the importance of exercise and physical activity along with purposeful breathing practices to help me regulate my emotions. My morning runs even though I do not enjoy the process have been vital to helping me self-regulate. While I choose running it could be any physical activity. Ideally, you would like to push your body into the range of discomfort. That is when you really know your body is producing the chemicals that will help self-regulate your emotional state. Doing regular exercise and even ten minutes of box breathing or circular breathing every day has helped me gain control. The research overwhelmingly supports my experience. If you can exercise with someone all the better.
It has been said that time heals all wounds. I believe there is one wound time does not heal but actually exasperates and that is the wound of loneliness. One of the great tragedies of the modern age of interconnectedness is the increase of loneliness. It has traditionally been a problem of old age but is now hitting young people in alarming numbers. Really, by the very definition time creates loneliness. The longer you feel alone, the more loneliness becomes problematic. Those who have suffered loss need to guard against loneliness. I am no different. I recognize that.
As I changed my living situation, for the first time in my life, I lived alone. I have always lived with someone. Now, I live alone. The solution for me to fight loneliness is to commit to stay connected to friends and family. I do mean connected. It is about the relational aspect of friendships. Relating one to another. Over the past year, I was lucky to go to work every day and have the same collegial and friendship with my teaching partner Belinda Carter. She and I had worked side by side for the twelve previous years. I had my children, Charles, Anneke, Kenneth, and William and I can’t express how important their strength was to me. I have connected with friends and family. All those relationships help combat loneliness – a wound that is compounded by time.
Let me sum up my experiences of the past year by saying what everyone already knows. You will at some point in your life experience grief. The extent of that grief will vary by circumstances. What I can tell you from both experience and research is that there are some good practices to help you honor the past and embrace the future. First, I want to say you need to honor the memories you do have. Keep them ever present. There are many ways to do that, and while it may be painful to do so, it is important as well. Maybe you need to do that with others. You need to experience positive emotions associated with the memories and work to suppress the pain associated with the notion that they are now just memories and let go of the loss and void associated with those memories. It is possible to keep the memory and the positive emotions while letting go of the negative emotion of sadness and hurt. Develop rituals in your life that include exercise, breathwork, connecting with people, filling your mind and soul with positive thoughts and energy through music, words, prayer, meditation, dance, theater, comedy, or good movies. If you do those things, you will honor the one you lost because their love for you means they would not want you to feel sad and hurt. They would want you to embrace the future.
My last comment is the power of faith – faith in a power beyond us. It is something that is deeply personal, but incredibly powerful and even necessary. For me, I came to a simple conclusion. Mankind cannot live without love. That notion is supported by science and experience. Some of the great pathologies that plague mankind are rooted in not feeling loved. Well, according to Christian teachings, God is love. Therefor mankind cannot live without God. Understanding God may not be easy, but understanding the power of love should be. Find a love in living life and you will be able to embrace the future. Love conquers all.
